Let’s dissect this situation and see what are the messages the child could be receiving and explore an alternative approach. 

Try to put yourself in the shoes of your child. When you are feeling stressed (hungry, tired, overwhelmed, ill, emotional) would you want the person you feel the most love towards to yell at you and tell you that they are going to drop you off with a stranger so you can be punished. Essentially, that is what is happening. Your child believes that you are the one person on earth that loves them more than anything or anyone and will always keep them safe and you are threatening to abandon them and let them be punished. This message whether intentionally given or just perceived by the child will send the child’s nervous system into survival mode (FEAR, FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE or FAINT). The biological response in the child’s body is telling them their life is in danger and they have to use all their energy to save themselves. At the moment, your child cannot calm themselves, hear you, or think. They may either freeze and take it, try to flee or fight back. The later two will likely escalate your anger because you may think they are trying to be disrespectful but remember this is an involuntary bodily reaction to feeling unsafe. This is also sending your child a message that it is okay to project your feelings onto others with threats, punishment, yelling, etc. Sounds to me, like we are modeling how a bully operates. Aside from all the health issues that being in this biological state often can cause, it also causes your child to become fearful of you. Some parents think this is helpful but in the long run your child will not feel safe to be themselves around you and you will inevitably cause them to lie to you because they can’t count on you to accept them or their feelings. This can create a vicious cycle of lies and punishment that can spiral out of control and break the connection and relationship forever. Want to learn another way of handling the situation that will create a feeling of safety and connection…keep reading.

Let’s explore what the parent and child could be going through and how to deal with it more consciously while sending a message of safety and creating connection. 

First the parent. This parent, as many of us typically do, is likely following a reward and punishment pattern from their own childhood, most parenting books & societal norms. Even if you promise yourself that you will never parent your child, the way you were parented the patterns find a way to creep in. Sometimes we can even be conscious enough to hear ourselves say exactly the same thing our parent said to us and we are dumbfounded. The simple explanation for this is that when we are feeling stressed (in this case our child is not behaving the way we want them to and we are likely also feeling exhausted, hungry, worried, angry, etc.) our subconscious takes over and runs the show for us by playing out old patterns, habits, experiences and scripts. Therefore, in order to really not re-create the patterns from our own childhood we have to first and foremost notice we feel stressed or in survival mode and shift into calmness and consciousness. That can be easier said than done living in today’s hectic world yet I believe it can be done one breath at a time. If you focus on your breath and stay with it while ONLY speaking to yourself at the moment and saying, “you are safe” and “you can handle this situation” you will surely begin calming your nervous system down so you can begin to access your empathy (for yourself and your child) and move into problem solving (which may be as simple as noticing that your child needs you to stop and connect with them for a minute). Notice I explicitly stated that you are only speaking to yourself at this moment because until you calm yourself down you will not be able to say anything helpful to your child. You will likely just continue to spew out old patterns from your conditioning. Now what you CAN do is speak to yourself aloud so your child can hear what you are telling yourself (I am safe, I can handle this) and the mirror neurons in your brains will begin to connect. Therefore, you may see your child also breathe with you and begin to calm their body as they hear you speak to yourself (you can add eye contact, a smile, and a gentle touch while saying you are safe, you can handle this or we are safe, we can handle this). You essentially will be modeling how to self-regulate, an extremely helpful and much needed emotional intelligence skill, which studies have shown is the greatest predictor of a successful life. 

Next the child. The child could also be feeling stressed even though we adults very often seem to believe that children are from a different species then adults and that they cannot possibly feel the same feelings we do. Yes, a child can also feel stress. Obviously, for some reasons may differ from an adult (job, finances, etc.) but nonetheless it creates the same biological chemical reaction in our bodies and nervous systems. A child’s stress can come from feeling: fear, tired, hungry, unheard, unseen and unloved, lack of control of self and/or environment, over stimulation, etc. (adults too can feel all of these). Therefore, the strategy mentioned above will begin to help the child also become calmer and more connected so they too can calm their nervous system and help find a solution. 

Once everyone is calmer and feels more connected to themselves and each other you can begin to notice and observe what is happening and then what solutions may be helpful. At this time, you can name what you see happening for your child such as, you seem hungry, tired, angry, sad, (name the feeling and/or state). This will create more connection because your child will feel like you ‘get them’ and in turn may feel more cooperative (although be careful that you are genuinely empathizing and not just looking to accomplish the ultimate goal of cooperation-it will always backfire). Now that you’ve empathized, ask them (if they are 2+ and verbal) to help you come up with a solution. It can be as simple as stopping and eating a snack, singing a song together, doing something silly and playful or it can mean it’s time to wrap up your time in the store and head home. I can hear you thinking that you don’t have time to do all this but honestly once you begin practicing this it could take less than 5 minutes total and it will buy you time in the long run. You will create a feeling of spaciousness within yourself and around you that your child will also feel and it will feel like you have created time. But that doesn’t mean you get to shop for another hour and expect your child to keep it together 😉. Remember to also notice what is developmentally appropriate for your child and use that as a guideline for all situations.

Aside from the emotional and psychological reasons mentioned above I also encourage you to examine what perception you want your child to have of police enforcement. If your child is ever in trouble and needs help wouldn’t you want them to reach out to police enforcement. If you have helped create a perception of fear and punishment towards the police, they may not feel safe enough to reach out to them in a time of crisis. Become conscious of your perceptions and the those you are helping your child create.