Are You a Good Girl?

Were you raised to be a “good girl?” Taught either directly or indirectly that your voice didn’t matter and that conflict is “wrong.” And now you are an adult and still living with the fear of speaking up and conflict. Not only is the fear governing your life but you’re not even sure of what you want to say anymore. Your voice has become so buried that you can barely hear it.

Then, you had children and you are seeing how your voice is showing up to try and control them which typically ends with you and your children in conflict. You end the day feeling disconnected from yourself and your children, feeling guilty for “causing” conflict and feeling guilty for not knowing how to do it a different way.

I know how you feel because that was me a few years ago. I have learned to become aware of the stories and fear that were leading my life and process them so they no longer take over. With this awareness and practicing conscious parenting skills I have learned how to connect to myself and my children so that I can stay present in the moment instead of falling into my stories of fear and control.

I am passionate about helping moms learn to do the same and that is why I have created a membership community called Living Connected-a membership community of moms on a journey to connect to their heart and inner power. Click www.barbyjimenez.com/lvingconnected if you are ready to connect to yourself and your children.

Do You and Your Spouse Have To Parent the Same Way?

Being on the journey of learning to parent more consciously with connection instead of control can create a lack of connection with our partner when we expect them to jump on our newly found parenting train and they resist.

I often have moms ask me, “How do I get my husband to parent more consciously?” My initial response is to remind them that as conscious parenting teaches us, the only person we can truly control is ourselves and therefore our spouse is in control of his/her own relationship with their child. We are only in control of our end of the relationship we choose to create with our child or anyone else.

Of course, this is different if any type abuse, neglect or safety issue is involved. Then, you are definitely in charge of advocating for your child’s safety. But aside from that situation all you can do is model and inspire your partner through your example of parenting and connection with them.

To take it a step further, learning about conscious parenting will help you with ALL your relationships. The lessons you learn and inner growth you gain will help you with all your relationships because YOU will be the change.

Realizing that we cannot have expectations of our partner and how they parent and instead remember to stay curious and hold space for them (just like you learn to do with your children) is what will help you connect even if you are not necessarily growing on the same continuum.

Our partner has their own life experiences, fears, and struggles that they are working through and blaming them or attempting to make them change will not help nor will it model a level of consciousness you are trying to live in.

Instead, see the relationship as another opportunity for you to grow, learn and evolve within.

Trust me I know this is difficult. I remember the arguments my husband and I would get in to as I ventured on this new journey. I promise that the more I released him and his journey the more connected we became.

NO ONE likes to feel like someone is attempting to control them and it is human nature to defend oneself or disconnect oneself from the person trying.

If you are ready to begin this work in your life then click www.barbyjimenez.com/circle to learn about my Conscious Parenting Coaching Circle

Parenting Can Be Lonely

I remember when I began shifting my parenting from an authoritarian paradigm to a conscious parenting paradigm. Not only did I struggle with changing my conditioned and learned habits so that I could parent differently but at times the worst was not having someone I could talk with that would understand. None of my friends or family were on this same parenting path and if I spoke to them about what I was going through they would just look at me like I was a weirdo. They would tell me I was overthinking parenting and that I just needed to threaten my kids with punishments and then follow through when they broke the rules because that is what they deserved. The whole thing was beginning to feel like dog training and I was tired of the constant arguing and yelling going on with my kids as I tried to control them. It just didn’t feel good and not having someone to understand me and my new way of trying to parent felt very lonely.

For many of us, deciding to parent consciously can feel like trying to learn a foreign language. Having the guidance and support of someone who understands your journey and is willing to hold space for you is life changing. Having a community of moms that are also learning how to shift from a controlling to a connecting parenting paradigm will help you feel understood, supported and empowered. That is just one benefit of what you will receive as a member of Living Connected. You will also receive group coaching and Q&A sessions with me and a sacred safe space to take care of your-SELF as we practice several self-care practices together. If you are interested in learning more go to www.barbyjimenez.com/livingconnected

Did you have to earn your breath today?

The breath can teach us so many lessons. Many of us were raised with the belief that we are not enough or that we have to become or accomplish to become enough. Yet, the Universe thinks we are enough to flow breath through us without any effort and without us having to earn it. The Universe which has created solar systems, oceans, and all of nature is what we are made of so how can we NOT be enough? When we can connect to that amazing truth that we are made of the same energetic particles that this amazing universe is made of then we can deeply feel our enough-ness. Once we can live here then and only then can we begin to become aware of how we guide our children to connect or disconnect from that truth within themselves.

Many parents ask me how they “should” react to their child’s “behavior” and many times I reply, ”say and do nothing until you can connect to your breath and breathe deeply to connect to your heart and THEN ask your heart, what does my child need right now?” Your heart is what connects you to this infinite world of possibilities and will guide you in the moment if you stay open to the messages.

If you are ready to explore this journey with a community of moms that will hold space for you along the way then see details to register to be a part of the Living Connected community at www.barbyjimenez.com/livingconnected

I’m Going to Call the Police If You Keep Disrespecting Me 

As I walk through a store minding my own business, I hear a parent tell their child that they are going to call the police to come take them because they are being disrespectful. It amazes me how many parents I have heard use this line with their child. My heart goes out to both the parent and the child involved. I imagine that for a parent to speak those words they likely have reached their limit and have no more inner space to grasp at in order to deal with the situation any differently. In essence, they are feeling desperate and out of control. At the same time, I can imagine that the child, especially if younger than 9 years old, is feeling terrified of the unknown which they likely envision may include abandonment and punishment. 

Let’s dissect this situation and see what are the messages the child could be receiving and explore an alternative approach. 

Try to put yourself in the shoes of your child. When you are feeling stressed (hungry, tired, overwhelmed, ill, emotional) would you want the person you feel the most love towards to yell at you and tell you that they are going to drop you off with a stranger so you can be punished. Essentially, that is what is happening. Your child believes that you are the one person on earth that loves them more than anything or anyone and will always keep them safe and you are threatening to abandon them and let them be punished. This message whether intentionally given or just perceived by the child will send the child’s nervous system into survival mode (FEAR, FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE or FAINT). The biological response in the child’s body is telling them their life is   in danger and they have to use all their energy to save themselves. At the moment, your child cannot calm themselves, hear you, or think. They may either freeze and take it, try to flee or fight back. The later two will likely escalate your anger because you may think they are trying to be disrespectful but remember this is an involuntary bodily reaction to feeling unsafe. This is also sending your child a message that it is okay to project your feelings onto others with threats, punishment, yelling, etc. Sounds to me, like we are modeling how a bully operates. Aside from all the health issues that being in this biological state often can cause, it also causes your child to become fearful of you. Some parents think this is helpful but in the long run your child will not feel safe to be themselves around you and you will inevitably cause them to lie to you because they can’t count on you to accept them or their feelings. This can create a vicious cycle of lies and punishment that can spiral out of control and break the connection and relationship forever. Want to learn another way of handling the situation that will create a feeling of safety and connection…keep reading.

Let’s explore what the parent and child could be going through and how to deal with it more consciously while sending a message of safety and creating connection. 

First the parent. This parent, as many of us typically do, is likely following a reward and punishment pattern from their own childhood, most parenting books & societal norms. Even if you promise yourself that you will never parent your child, the way you were parented the patterns find a way to creep in. Sometimes we can even be conscious enough to hear ourselves say exactly the same thing our parent said to us and we are dumbfounded. The simple explanation for this is that when we are feeling stressed (in this case our child is not behaving the way we want them to and we are likely also feeling exhausted, hungry, worried, angry, etc.) our subconscious takes over and runs the show for us by playing out old patterns, habits, experiences and scripts. Therefore, in order to really not re-create the patterns from our own childhood we have to first and foremost notice we feel stressed or in survival mode and shift into calmness and consciousness. That can be easier said than done living in today’s hectic world yet I believe it can be done one breath at a time. If you focus on your breath and stay with it while ONLY speaking to yourself at the moment and saying, “you are safe” and “you can handle this situation” you will surely begin calming your nervous system down so you can begin to access your empathy (for yourself and your child) and move into problem solving (which may be as simple as noticing that your child needs you to stop and connect with them for a minute). Notice I explicitly stated that you are only speaking to yourself at this moment because until you calm yourself down you will not be able to say anything helpful to your child. You will likely just continue to spew out old patterns from your conditioning. Now what you CAN do is speak to yourself aloud so your child can hear what you are telling yourself (I am safe, I can handle this) and the mirror neurons in your brains will begin to connect. Therefore, you may see your child also breathe with you and begin to calm their body as they hear you speak to yourself (you can add eye contact, a smile, and a gentle touch while saying you are safe, you can handle this or we are safe, we can handle this). You essentially will be modeling how to self-regulate, an extremely helpful and much needed emotional intelligence skill, which studies have shown is the greatest predictor of a successful life. 

Next the child. The child could also be feeling stressed even though we adults very often seem to believe that children are from a different species then adults and that they cannot possibly feel the same feelings we do. Yes, a child can also feel stress. Obviously, for some reasons may differ from an adult (job, finances, etc.) but nonetheless it creates the same biological chemical reaction in our bodies and nervous systems. A child’s stress can come from feeling: fear, tired, hungry, unheard, unseen and unloved, lack of control of self and/or environment, overstimulation, etc. (adults too can feel all of these). Therefore, the strategy mentioned above will begin to help the child also become calmer and more connected so they too can calm their nervous system and help find a solution. 

Once everyone is calmer and feels more connected to themselves and each other you can begin to notice and observe what is happening and then what solutions may be helpful. At this time, you can name what you see happening for your child such as, you seem hungry, tired, angry, sad, (name the feeling and/or state). This will create more connection because your child will feel like you ‘get them’ and in turn may feel more cooperative (although be careful that you are genuinely empathizing and not just looking to accomplish the ultimate goal of cooperation-it will always backfire). Now that you’ve empathized, ask them (if they are 2+ and verbal) to help you come up with a solution. It can be as simple as stopping and eating a snack, singing a song together, doing something silly and playful or it can mean it’s time to wrap up your time in the store and head home. I can hear you thinking that you don’t have time to do all this but honestly once you begin practicing this it could take less than 5 minutes total and it will buy you time in the long run. You will create a feeling of spaciousness within yourself and around you that your child will also feel and it will feel like you have created time. But that doesn’t mean you get to shop for another hour and expect your child to keep it together 😉. Remember to also notice what is developmentally appropriate for your child and use that as a guideline for all situations.

Aside from the emotional and psychological reasons mentioned above I also encourage you to examine what perception you want your child to have of police enforcement. If your child is ever in trouble and needs help wouldn’t you want them to reach out to police enforcement. If you have helped create a perception of fear and punishment towards the police, they may not feel safe enough to reach out to them in a time of crisis. Become conscious of your perceptions and the those you are helping your child create.

What is Respect?

So many times, parents say that they are “disciplining” or “punishing” their child because the child needs to learn to respect their parent(s)/adults. Children will do as you do, not as you say. Therefore, it is imperative that we look at HOW WE MODEL RESPECT. Here are some examples in which parents inadvertently model disrespect towards their child but then expect respect in return.

-ripping things out of our child’s hand instead of waiting with an open hand for them to place in ours

-forcing them to share their toys, food, space, etc.

-interrupting while they are talking or telling us the same story for the 100^th time 😉

-referring to their interests (think social media, video games, music, etc.) as “crap,” “junk,” “bad,” etc.

-not allowing space for their desires, likes and wants (food, activities, games, space, etc.)

-putting them in time-out or giving another imposed “consequence” (really a punishment) when they behave differently from what we expect

-calling them names in a moment of anger or comparing them to others

-controlling every moment of their day, what they eat, do, where they go, who they see, how much time the get to do the things they enjoy, etc.

-we send them to school where they are further controlled and many times blindly take the side of the adult when they are accused of “breaking a rule”

-we forget to ask them how they feel or check in with them when making decisions that will affect them or their life

Re-read these examples but from the perspective of your spouse/partner imposing them on YOU. How does that feel?

I am NOT saying that we have to give our child control or choice over every single moment, decision or activity of the day. Especially, not the younger child (younger than 8) because they do look to us to have some structure and routine to create a feeling of safety

What I mean is being so connected to your child that you have a sense of their interests and you do your best to make that happen for them whenever possible. In addition, when you are not sure or when it is appropriate to ask then simply ask them. Do you want to share your snack or not? Then, hold space (even if you want the floor to open up and swallow you because you are so embarrassed, that’s your issue with conflict for you to look at, not theirs) and allow them to make the choice. Remember, it is extremely unhealthy to take your child’s “no” away…more on that in another post.

Want to learn more about how to insure YOU are modeling respect, how to deconstruct your own issues so you don’t impose them on your child and how to authentically connect with your child? Then, check out the different ways I can support you www.barbyjimenez.com/home